Say What?

In the middle of what was a freakishly chaotic Tuesday night I found this gem. Please note that the italics are my internal thoughts. Please try and imagine an 18 year old that walked in with silk PJ's and a lazy eye. She was accompanied by a big burly man of probably 30 something with lots of facial hair and many tattoos with rather tasteless subject matter. She sounded dumb as dirt.

Also, she is only 34 weeks and was on her 4th labor check in the past 2 weeks.

Me: So what brings you in tonight?

Patient: I think my water broke.

Me: Did you feel a big gush of fluid or did you start leaking...?

Patient: Well you see, me and hims were getting intimate (eww) and when he done put it in me it started to feel wet.

It's supposed to feel wet, haven't you figured this out by now.

Well, so then he done took it out and we looked at the blanket we was laying on and it looked like maybe it was a little damp. It was pink. We went and got ourself a towel and went back at it.

Kill me now please.

So then he puts it back in me and it was done wet again.

Dear God, it's supposed to be wet.

So he takes it out and I told him to put his hand up there and see how it felt.

You what???!?!??

He says it was still wet so I asked him to taste it and see if it tastes like pee.

Of course it doesn't taste like pee, it was in your vagina...and why did you have to tell me he knows what piss tastes like???

He said it didn't so we came on in.

Me: Ok, next time you think your water is broken, don't put anything in your vagina.

And yes, it was pee.