Thursday, February 21, 2008

Happy Valentine's Day!

A twenty-something weeker showed up last night, with the very concerned father-of-the-baby, complaining of vaginal bleeding and passing clots. This, never being a good scenario, demanded immediate attention. I put her on the fetal monitor and am able to get a good tracing of the baby, who appears to be quite well. Next come the questions.

"When did the bleeding start?"

"About a couple hours ago."

"Did you wear a pad in?"

"Yes but there was nothing on it"

"Were you having bleeding that's heavy like a period?"
(At this point her doctor has wandered into the room and is standing patiently by the bed.)

"Not really, mostly just some spotting and clots."

When was the last time you had sex?

"Valentine's Day."

Since this was nearly a week prior, I quickly rule it out as the immediate cause of her bleeding. The doc has now poked and prodded his way around assessing her belly and is asking me for a sterile glove.

He goes to examine her and starts pulling out large clots. But wait. Are they clots?

On further inspection, perhaps they are strawberries.

"Honey, did you put strawberries in your vagina?" I ask.

She looks at her companion sheepishly. He answers for her. "I guess we forgot about those."

Needless to say, I am eating my Cheerios plain this morning.

47 comments:

mrsmac said...

oh. my. god.

there are no words!

Kelly said...

How do you not just laugh your butt off at these people?? OMG I am cracking up.

Meegs said...

OMG.

My first question was, who forgets that they stuck fruit into their genitalia?
But then I thought, more importantly, who sticks strawberrys in there vag to begin with!?! Who?

Not my idea of romance.

Brigit said...

OMG. LOL. WHAT!???!!! How do you hold it together? Seriously.

FunnyGal KAT said...

Ach! That's gross!

I love this blog-- one of the most entertaining I've found. And so very educational too... I'm going to tell my husband that, if he ever gets the urge to start throwing fruit up the ol' yahoo, he'd better make sure he cleans up after himself.

I'm still in shock about this one.

Amy said...

You make my day!

Jennifer said...

Wow. They must be related to the pee-tasting couple!

Sommer said...

W. T. F.

Who does that??

Cécy said...

ROFL.
I've got to love those people who gave us good laughs through your blog.
Nutcases... Now I have to forget your story to be able to look at strawberries again.

Katiedid1806 said...

OMG. Now I don't want the chocolate covered strawberries I was going to ask for my birthday tonight. Ygh.

Working Girl said...

Priceless!

The Partins said...

guess I'll be throwing out the strawberries I have in my fridge... GAG!!! It's pretty sad when the carton of Strawberries needs a disclaimer "not for vaginal use"

Jennboree said...

Oh. MY GOD.

SERIOUSLY?
That is effing HILARIOUS.

AtYourCervix said...

Beyond words....just beyond words. How embarrassing for the woman and her partner though.

Melissa said...

that is hilarous! i don't know how you keep a straight face in the exam room.

yoinkit said...

Hahahaha!! Oh my gosh! LOL!

Since we are on the topic. :) When I gave birth to my daughter last year the hospital prepares a *special* meal for you and your hubby/partner/whoever, and I requested Cheesecake as my dessert. Um..they put canned cherries on it. Do you know what canned cherry topping looks like to a women who gave birth the day before? Friggen clots! Ew. I almost gagged. :) LOL

iambellaluna said...

Is perfectly ok to have fruit in your vagina for a week? I feel like that would be a good recipe for a roaring case of nasty infection.

And what the hell. I fail to see how this would be a "good" idea in anyone's mind. I can only imagine the sex talk their baby is going to get.

Brian & Debbie said...

OMG. That is just gross and funny at the same time! I don't know how you don't bust out laughing at some of these people!

Emily said...

ew ew ew eeeeeeeeeeeeew!!

Caitlin Domanico said...

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

chris said...

Are you sure you got all the strawberries out? Did you have to bring her out to the OR and get the suction machine running? At least it was not a cue ball, those are tough to get out!! But a word to the wise, a suction cup works great on round things shoved in the vagina....How do I know this???

ashley said...

I just have to say, reading your blog has become my new favorite hobby. And not act like anyone you write about if/when I get pregnant has become my new goal in life. Thanks.

Nurse Lochia said...

People do the strangest things! And how, how I ask do you forget?

showbaby673 ~ LIZ said...

dude, that's gross!

JoAnn said...

OMG, it's exactly what I just yelled out and saw everyone else did as well!


CJ

Bernice said...

Holy hell! I don't think I can eat strawberries ever again. Blehck!

Jennifer said...

No no no no no!!! There are so many things wrong about that!!!

Amy said...

Hi this is my first time here...so what can I say!! LOL...I am a nurse too, but dialysis, so no where near as exciting as apparently L&D is...how does someone forget the strawberries...and more importantly why??
I hope you gave them pt ed on the importance of counting the strawberries before and after..ahem...and maybe just suggest the whipped cream...

Meghan said...

I dont know if Im more amazed that she put them up there, or that they forgot about it, and went to L&D for it. Sheesh. Some people.:)

That Chick Over There said...

OH. JESUS. GOD.

irongirl said...

For real!? No way! I can't believe there are people like this walking around this earth.

I always get a good chuckle from your posts! Keep up the good work!

Cristina Mathers said...

as a new reader of your blog, i must tell you that i laugh and laugh at this as i read your archives! people are so....what's the word...off?

Christina said...

I read this to my husband and he has sworn off Strawberries completely! LOL

Heather said...

Oh.my.god....SPEECHLESS!

FreedomFirst said...

I'm hoping only women read this because it's so embarrassing. But I think you will appreciate this.

After my first son was born I had a small but very painful tear that didn't heal right. (I foolishly turned down the midwives' offer of a stitch.) It was always painful when touched after that, even 18 months later. When baby #2 was on the way, my ever-present fear was that I would experience excruciating pain and tear even worse when pushing the new baby out.

Of course, I could have asked my midwife about it but I was still too prudish about my body. Old impressions die hard. So at about 36 weeks, when labor was imminent enough to make me very paranoid but NOT imminent enough to be desirable at that point, I decided to try an experiment.

To see if I was going to tear, I got the biggest smooth thing I thought was safe to use, which happened to be a large lemon, and tried very carefully inserting it. To my surprise the pain went away completely after the initial stretch. I let it slip in a little further and accidentally lost my grip on it. I jerked up in a panic and it slid all the way in. ALL the way!

Well, I thought, it can't be that hard to get out. WRONG! It took me nearly 20 minutes and several different tools to get it out. By the time I did, I was shaking and crying, and terrified I would have to call my midwife and actually admit to putting a lemon inside of me. And also scared that the very difficult and painful extraction with a pair of kitchen tongs might somehow put me in early labor. Every Braxton Hicks had me panicked for the rest of the day.

When the baby was actually born, I didn't tear at all. And there has been no pain there since. So much for my silly fears.

Scary Mommy said...

How will you ever eat strawberries again? Omg.

Danielle said...

Speechless...

That is beyond funny!!!

eskimo's mom said...

To borrow a quote that my husband uses quite frequently:
"And these people VOTE???"

Shell said...

OMG!!! LOL!!
Who are these people???!!

Still can't stop laughing!!

Shell said...

I told this story To my Mom (OBGYN ARNP, and former l&d nurse) and her best friend (CNM). My mom almost fell off her chair but her friend just chuckled and said I've found peaches before. To which we all began to question these people who want to stick food up there!!

amy dawn said...

Okay, so I clicked on a friend's blog, then clicked on one of their blogs and so on until I came to yours. Awesome. I've always loved hearing stories like this <3

MarsBar said...

I will never understand why some humans feel the compelling need to shove strange objects in different orifices.

Makes for an interesting story though.

I am a new postpartum nurse and a fellow nurse showed me your blog after they had dealt with a demise. They needed something to bring them up and your fabulous talent with words was their cure.

Keep it up and here's to you.

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Cindy said...

Laughing out loud!!!!! I have so enjoyed your L&D stories. Being a NICU nurse, this is the side of our work we don't get to see!!!!

Taryn said...

I love your blog, I'm an aspiring labor & delivery nurse, and your blog really drives me. It just sounds exciting & unexpected lol!

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Vimge4 said...

OMG!! Just stumbled upon your blog by chance and it cracked me up. This is the best thing I have read this week. Still laughing out loud...it looks like you haven't been posting on it anymore, such a shame cause this stuff is great!