Last Post of the Year

As I rest here in a fit of laziness, I think of my coworkers who are probably battling the swarm of women determined to have the first baby of 2008 and it makes me thankful that I am safe at home. So, in the spirit of being glad I can enjoy the comforts of my own home, I will encourage all you women that want that are determined to have a home birth to do just that.

A couple of weeks ago a woman came in to L&D with her friend as a labor check. She knew her water had broken but didn't mention it, on purpose. The nurse taking care of her checked her cervix and told her she would check her again in two hours to see if she was making any change. The lady seemed agreeable and reminded the nurse it was her 5th baby and she was a pro. She also voiced that she wanted a low intervention labor and asked to be taken off the monitors. Her doc agreed and that was that.

In the meantime, my coworker checked on her several times and she said she was doing great. As the two hour deadline approached we start to hear grunting coming from the direction of her room. I joke that if someone doesn't go check on her she is going to deliver the baby herself.

The nurse taking care of rolls her eyes and gets up begrudgingly to see what in the hell she happens to be doing in there. The next thing I know the emergency light has been activated and we are all running into the room.

Her "friend" who was also coincidentally a midwife, had managed to turn the bed into a chair-like position that allows for squatting (something that is neither accidental nor figured out without knowing exactly how to do it). She is kneeling between the patients legs delivering her baby. As we run in she frantically asks for an umbilical cord clamp and some warm blankets. In the time it took me to reach into the warmer and grab a couple of blankets the baby has been delivered and is resting on mom's tummy.

At this point we are able to put together that the whole friggin time she had planned on having her friend deliver her. By the time each of us had wasted a cumulative several hours (have to stay after shift to get it done) filling out our respective incident reports I can't say she was in anyone's good graces.

You can probably figure out what the moral of the story is.

OK, I lied.

I said I would give you a new post, but instead I got the life sucked out of me that night so instead of depressing you all it will have to wait another day. Sorry.

Happy Holidays

In case I don't return before Christmas, I leave you with this thought. You nurses may have already seen it, if not please share. I can't take credit, it has been circulating the floor.

Twas the night before Christmas
and up on OB
A nurse yelled "Thick mec, I need a delee!"

IV's with Pitocin
Were all hung with care
In hopes they'll deliver
And stop pulling their hair

The patients were screaming
In their labor beds
While visions of epidurals
Danced in their heads

The staffing is short
With no one on call
Every warmer is dirty
And sits in the hall

Just when I thought
There's an end to this hell
A patient in triage
Has a major decel

So we rush with a gurney
And race to the back
The O.R. is dirty
Not one section pack

I dropped to my knees
And started to cry
When I heard the bells jingle
And looked toward the sky

There was St. Nick
On his sleigh in the rear
He had six smiling nurses
The day shift is here!

Open Mouth, Insert Foot.

At nearly 7 AM after a very long night, a woman and her daughter wander on to the floor. My coworker, who was using the secretary's computer ask the girl:

"What's your name?"

"Meggan Jones" (actually I don't remember her name but roll with it)

"Who is your doctor?"

"Dr. Smith" She looks confused.

"Did you call him?"

"Ummm," (More confusion) "I am not pregnant."

Now I start laughing. The secretary who is standing at the counter behind my coworker is also laughing. My coworker doesn't catch it.

"OK, well, we are going to put you down in room 12. You can head on down there and change into a gown. There is a cup on the back of the toilet if you would please leave us a urine sample."

The girl, looking unsure of what do actually starts walking down there.

Finally the mom speaks up:

"Sweetie, SHE'S NOT PREGNANT! We are looking for her sister.

At this point my laughter was pretty uncontrolable.

A GYN Emergency

Last week a frantic woman in her early 20's presented to the ER for what she called "a gynecological emergency". Since her doctor was up on L&D at the time and the ER hates anything GYN related, they sent her on up.

It would seem that the girl, apparently a virgin, sexually frustrated and amazingly unfamiliar with her own anatomy decided to take matters into her own hands and get it on with a coffee straw. She managed to shove the entire straw up her urethra and it was now, according to the ultrasound, lodged and kinked in her bladder. She was quickly passed on to urology.

I am going to guess if she had realized that her urethra was not the correct choice ahead of time she would have picked a different utensil.

A Tale from EMS.

After going down to the ER to Doppler a 10 week pregnant woman, I hear the nurses at the nurses station laughing hysterically about a woman being brought into the ER by EMS with a full code going on. The problem was she was so dead that full rigor mortis had set in. Me, being curious why in the hell EMS would transport a woman who is so clearly dead to the ER, while doing full chest compressions and pushing drugs decided to stop for the story.

Apparently EMS had arrived at the woman's home way out in the country, answering a call from her daughter.
"She is still warm!" the daughter exclaims as they walk in the door.
The find the woman unresponsive in her bed. They try and sit her up and realize she is warm from holding onto a heating pad but so dead that she is stiff from head to toe. One of her arms flies right up above her head so she is now looking like she is sitting at school patiently waiting to ask a question.

One of EMT's starts trying to explain to the daughter that her mother had been dead for quite some time and there was nothing they could do. They are still trying to console her when they hear someone else come through the door.

"MAMMA!"

The daughter had called in her brother from his coon hunting on their property and there stands Bubba well over 6 feet tall pushing 350 pounds dressed in camo still holding his pellet gun.

"Aren't ya gonna help my mamma?"

"Sir, your mother has been dead for quite some time."

He starts turning red and shaking.
"AREN'T YA GONNA HELP MY MAMMA?!?"

"Yes sir, we are."

In the spirit of repeat customers.

We have another frequent flyer who is still many weeks to her due date (think next year) and shows up 2-3 times a week for a labor check. Each time she shows up she acts increasingly painful as she moans that she is there for "contractions again". I honestly don't want to have to take care of her once those real contractions hit but that will be a story for after she delivers.

Anyway, she is also quite young, and while I do give her credit for showing up without her mother in tow I suspect this has more to do with her mother having an epiphany about how she no longer has to put up with her bratty daughter now that there is a father-of-the-baby/fiance to do the job. The most annoying thing about her damn visits are her dumb fiance. He gets her settled into the room and then comes to hang out at the nurses station like it's a freaking social hour where our primary job is to entertain. It clearly says, "Yeah, I don't really believe that she is in labor either so I am going to come hang out with you guys because I can't stand the freaking whining."

Last week, mid chat I think his real motive came out. He must believe that if he is nice enough and we like him then he can start asking for favors. It went something like this:

"So, I have heard that having a baby can cause you to tear. <blank stare> You know, down there. And they sew you up right? <What is this guy getting at?> So if that happens and they are sewing down there anyway is it possible that the doctor can go ahead and sew up and little extra?"

And here I thought he was just friendly.

Say What?

In the middle of what was a freakishly chaotic Tuesday night I found this gem. Please note that the italics are my internal thoughts. Please try and imagine an 18 year old that walked in with silk PJ's and a lazy eye. She was accompanied by a big burly man of probably 30 something with lots of facial hair and many tattoos with rather tasteless subject matter. She sounded dumb as dirt.

Also, she is only 34 weeks and was on her 4th labor check in the past 2 weeks.

Me: So what brings you in tonight?

Patient: I think my water broke.

Me: Did you feel a big gush of fluid or did you start leaking...?

Patient: Well you see, me and hims were getting intimate (eww) and when he done put it in me it started to feel wet.

It's supposed to feel wet, haven't you figured this out by now.

Well, so then he done took it out and we looked at the blanket we was laying on and it looked like maybe it was a little damp. It was pink. We went and got ourself a towel and went back at it.

Kill me now please.

So then he puts it back in me and it was done wet again.

Dear God, it's supposed to be wet.

So he takes it out and I told him to put his hand up there and see how it felt.

You what???!?!??

He says it was still wet so I asked him to taste it and see if it tastes like pee.

Of course it doesn't taste like pee, it was in your vagina...and why did you have to tell me he knows what piss tastes like???

He said it didn't so we came on in.

Me: Ok, next time you think your water is broken, don't put anything in your vagina.

And yes, it was pee.