Friday, October 19, 2007

I think you are on crack.

If you have a baby, and test positive for drugs while you are at the hospital having it, I can guarantee it will get taken away. We don't test everyone for drugs but from experience here are some ways you can assure yourself a "random" drug screen.

1) You show up with track marks up and down your arms. Don't try calling it a rash either.

2) Showing up for your routine hit of IV pain meds every other day during your pregnancy for various aches and pains.

3) Showing the person starting your IV what vein you usually use.

4) Offering to help.

5) You're 9 months pregnant and didn't know it. (See below)

6) Your baby is high.

7) Having your clearly drugged out friends bring you the "special brownies" from home.

8) Trying to blame the haze and smell coming from your bathroom on your bowel habbits.

And finally...

9) Flinging poop at the walls. Yes, poop.

9 comments:

Flann said...

How about if you're brought in with burns due to your meth lab exploding?

l&d.rn said...

Probably so, although you would have to find out the true story first.

Once, in the ER, a guy came in with 1-2 inch cuts all over his body. He told us that he had been in a car accident. The police officer stationed at his right corrected him, tell us he had run through a window at a liquor store.

Sarah said...

you forgot: You came by taxi from a halfway house

ktdid said...

How about when the patient tells you to "push my pain meds fast". Or that they're "allergic" to aspirin, ibuprofen and tylenol. The only thing that works (of course) is Morphine or Demerol. Um, right.

l&d.rn said...

They never come by taxi from the halfway house. It's always EMS. ALWAYS.

a.k. said...

Taxi? Oh hell no. EMS *is* the taxi service for those crackheads. Trust me!

MarsBar said...

I have been curious about how and why it is decided who gets the drug test. I am a new nurse in a small hospital and I work in L&D. I guess it doesn't matter because about 8 out of 10 that get tested are positive.

Jessica R. said...

I am just curious, would you really take a baby away if a mother tested positive for weed? That seems a bit extreme.

MarsBar said...

Jessica, it may seem "extreme", but having a baby is extreme. Prenatal care is so important and a mother not caring about what she ingests or smokes is a big red flag. Maybe you think weed isn't a big deal? Other people may think crystal meth isn't a big deal either. Extreme? Nah...